GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
