Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
