Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
