i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
