if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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