hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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