She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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