the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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