FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
