i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
