The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
