Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
