rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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