I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
