a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize