My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He shit in the fireplace
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
