Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
