Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
pop tarts are not kleenex
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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