The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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