I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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