it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize