mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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