Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
