My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
