I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
