i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
