I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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