I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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