Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just blew my weed a kiss
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
