Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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