I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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