I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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