We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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