i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
