then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize