I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
