i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
