OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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