How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
