Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
