After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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