Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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