im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
