I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
