So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
