try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize