my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize