is your mom at the bar?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
