she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize