gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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