I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
