I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
