the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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