I just threw up on my dentist
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
