I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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