took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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