Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
