he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
