The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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