nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
