remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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