you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
