Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
